George Carlin

[Sarmica]

Џорџ Карлин (22. 05. 1937- 22.06.2008) је био амерички комичар и критичар друштва.
Често је говорио да родити се на планети Земљи значи купити карту за циркус наказа - а родити се у САД-у значи имати карту у првом реду. Освојио је пет Греми награда.


извор: википедија

[Sarmica]

[Sarmica]

[Sarmica]

[Sarmica]

[Sarmica]

[Sarmica]

[Sarmica]

[Sarmica]

[Sarmica]

Paradoks našeg vremena by George Carlin

«Paradoks našeg vremena kroz povijest je da imamo veće zgrade ali kraće živce, šire puteve ali uza gledišta. Trošimo više, ali imamo manje, kupujemo više, ali uživamo manje. Imamo veće kuće i manje obitelji, više pogodnosti, ali manje vremena. Imamo više diploma, ali manje razuma, više znanja, ali manje rasuđivanja, više stručnjaka, ali ipak više problema, više medicine, ali manje zdravlja. Pijemo previše, pušimo previše, trošimo nesmotreno, smijemo se premalo, vozimo prebrzo, previše se ljutimo, prekasno liježemo, ustajemo previše umorni, čitamo premalo, gledamo TV previše i molimo se prerijetko. Umnogostručili smo naše imetke, ali smanjili svoje vrijednosti. Govorimo previše, volimo prerijetko i mrzimo prečesto. Naučili smo kako da preživljavamo, ali ne i da živimo. Dodali smo godine životu, ali ne i život godinama. Stigli smo sve do Mjeseca i natrag, ali imamo poteškoću da prijeđemo preko ulice i upoznamo novog susjeda. Osvojili smo vanjski prostor, ali ne i unutrašnji. Učinili smo velike stvari, ali ne i bolje. Očistili smo zrak, ali smo zagadili dušu. Savladali smo atom, ali ne i svoje predrasude. Pišemo više, ali učimo manje. Planiramo više, ali postižemo manje. Naučili smo žuriti, ali ne i čekati. Gradimo više kompjutera da sadrže više informacija, da proizvode više kopija nego ikad, ali mi komuniciramo sve manje i manje. Ovo su vremena brze prehrane i sporog varenja, velikih ljudi i sitnih karaktera, brzih zarada i plitkih odnosa. Ovo su dani dviju plaća, ali više razvoda, luksuznijih kuća, ali uništenih domova. Ovo su dani brzih putovanja, višekratnih pelena, moralnosti koja se može odbaciti, jednodnevnih predstava, preteških tijela i tableta koje čine sve od hrane da utišaju, da ubiju. Ovo je vrijeme kada ima mnogo toga u izlogu, a ništa u skladištu. Vrijeme kada vam tehnologija može donijeti ovo pismo i vrijeme kada možete odabrati hoćete li ga podijeliti s nekim ili samo obrisati. Zapamtite, provedite nešto vremena sa vašim voljenima, jer oni neće biti tu zauvijek. Zapamtite, recite poneku ljubaznu riječ onome koji vas gleda sa strahopoštovanjem, jer će ta mala osoba uskoro odrasti i otići. Sjetite se dati topao zagrljaj onom kraj vas, jer je to jedino blago koje možete dati svojim srcem, a ne košta ni pare. Sjetite se da kažete, "volim te" vašem partneru i vašim voljenima, ali najviše od svega i mislite tako. Poljubac i zagrljaj će zakrpati povredu kada dolazi duboko iz vas. Sjetite se držati za ruke i cijeniti momente, jer jednog dana ta osoba neće biti tu ponovo. Dajte vremena ljubavi, dajte vremena razgovoru i dajte vremena podjeli vaših dragocjenih misli s drugima.
KAKO OSTATI MLAD:
1. Odbacite nebitne brojeve. To uključuje starosnu dob, težinu i visinu. Prepustite doktorima brigu o tome. Zato ih i plaćate.
2. Zadržite samo vesele prijatelje. Loša raspoloženja vas jedino vuku prema dnu.
3. Nastavite učiti. Naučite više o kompjuterima, vještinama, vrtlarstvu , o bilo čemu. Nikada ne dajte mozgu da bude "besposlen." Besposlen um je radionica lošeg .", a ime lošeg je Alzheimerova bolest.
4. Uživajte u jednostavnim stvarima.
5. Smijte se često, dugo i glasno. Smijte se dok ne izgubite dah.
6. Suze se događaju. Izdržite, odbolujte i produžite dalje. Jedina osoba, koja je uz nas čitav život, smo mi sami. Budite ŽIVI dok ste živi.
7. Okružite se onim što volite, bila to obitelj , ljubimci, uspomene, muzika, biljke, hobiji, bilo što. Vaš dom je vaše sklonište.
8. Cijenite svoje zdravlje: Ako je dobro , čuvajte ga. Ako je nestabilno, popravite ga. Ako se ne može popraviti, nađite pomoć.
9. Ne preuzimajte krivicu. Krenite na put do šetališta, do obližnje pokrajine, do strane zemlje, ali NE tamo gdje je krivica.
10. Recite ljudima koje volite da ih volite, u svakoj prilici.
I UVIJEK PAMTITE:
Život se ne mjeri brojem udisaja koje napravimo, nego momentima koji nam oduzmu dah. Ako ne pošaljete ovo pismo dalje do barem 8 osoba ... koga briga?» -George Carlin

[Sarmica]

01 Greatest George Carlin Quotes


The man who once said “life is worth losing” is dead. But his quotes live on. In no particular order here are his 101 best…

1. I don’t have pet peeves — I have major psychotic fucking hatreds!
2. Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.
3. Swimming is not a sport. Swimming is a way to keep from drowning. That’s just common sense!
4. A house is just a place to keep your stuff while you go out and get more stuff.
5. Have you ever noticed that their stuff is shit and your shit is stuff?
6. I wanna live. I don’t wanna die. That’s the whole meaning of life: Not dying! I figured that shit out by myself in the third grade.
7. I used to be Irish Catholic. Now I’m an American — you know, you grow.
8. You can’t fight City Hall, but you can goddamn sure blow it up.
9. If the Cincinnati Reds were really the first major league baseball team, who did they play?
10. Honesty may be the best policy, but it’s important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy.
11. If it’s true that our species is alone in the universe, then I’d have to say that the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little.
12. No one knows what’s next, but everybody does it.
13. There are 400,000 words in the English language, and there are seven you can’t say on television. What a ratio that is! 399,993 to 7. They must really be baaaad. They must be OUTRAGEOUS to be separated from a group that large. “All of you words over here, you seven….baaaad words.” That’s what they told us, right? …You know the seven, don’t ya? That you can’t say on TV? Shit, piss, fuck, cunt, cocksucker, motherfucker and tits.
14. The very existence of flamethrowers proves that sometime, somewhere, someone said to themselves, “You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I’m just not close enough to get the job done.”
15. The reason I talk to myself is because I’m the only one whose answers I accept.
16. Just when I discovered the meaning of life, they changed it.
17. Religion has convinced people that there’s an invisible man…living in the sky, who watches everything you do every minute of every day. And the invisible man has a list of ten specific things he doesn’t want you to do. And if you do any of these things, he will send you to a special place, of burning and fire and smoke and torture and anguish for you to live forever, and suffer and burn and scream until the end of time. But he loves you. He loves you and he needs money.
18. Weather forecast for tonight: Dark. Continued dark overnight, with widely scattered light by morning.
19. If it requires a uniform, it’s a worthless endeavor.
20. If you live long enough, sooner or later everybody you know has cancer.
21. You know the good part about all those executions in Texas? Fewer Texans.
22. Soft rock music isn’t rock, and it ain’t music. It’s just soft.
23. Reminds me of something my third-grade teacher said to us. She said, “You show me a tropical fruit and I’ll show you a cocksucker from Guatemala.”
24. As soon as someone is identified as an unsung hero, he no longer is.
25. If a movie is described as a romantic comedy, you can usually find me next door playing pinball.
26. The IQ and the life expectancy of the average American recently passed each other in opposite directions.
27. I knew a transsexual guy whose only ambition is to eat, drink, and be Mary.
28. I put a dollar in a change machine. Nothing changed.
29. If you’ve got a cat and a leg, you’ve got a happy cat. If you’ve got a cat and two legs, you’ve got a party.
30. You can prick your finger — just don’t finger your prick.
31. By and large, language is a tool for concealing the truth.
32. Ever notice that anyone going slower than you is an idiot, but anyone going faster is a maniac?
33. Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?
34. I don’t like to think of laws as rules you have to follow, but more as suggestions.
35. I think it’s the duty of the comedian to find out where the line is drawn and cross it deliberately.
36. When you’re born you get a ticket to the freak show. When you’re born in America, you get a front-row seat.
37. Eventually, alas, I realized the main purpose of buying cocaine is to run out of it.
38. I never fucked a ten, but one night, I fucked five twos.
39. I never joined the Boy Scouts. I don’t trust any organization that has a handbook.
40. I would never want to be a member of a group whose symbol was a man nailed to two pieces of wood.
41. Have you noticed that most of the women who are against abortion are women you wouldn’t want to fuck in the first place? There’s such balance in nature.
42. So I say, “Live and let live.” That’s my motto. “Live and let live.” Anyone who can’t go along with that, take him outside and shoot the motherfucker. It’s a simple philosophy, but it’s always worked in our family.
43. Catholic — which I was until I reached the age of reason.
44. Here’s a bumper sticker I’d like to see: “We are the proud parents of a child who’s self-esteem is sufficient that he doesn’t need us promoting his minor scholastic achievements on the back of our car.”
45. I love and treasure individuals as I meet them; I loathe and despise the groups they identify with and belong to.
46. Beethoven was so hard of hearing, he thought he was a painter.
47. Don Ho can sign autographs 3.4 times faster than Efrem Zimbalist Jr.
48. God bless the homicidal maniacs. They make life worthwhile.
49. I’ve never seen a homeless guy with a bottle of Gatorade.
50. One great thing about getting old is that you can get out of all sorts of social obligations just by saying you’re too tired.
51. If Helen Keller had psychic ability, would you say she had a fourth sense?
52. What year did Jesus think it was?
53. George Washington’s brother, Lawrence, was the Uncle of Our Country.
54. Have you ever wondered why Republicans are so interested in encouraging people to volunteer in their communities? It’s because volunteers work for no pay. Republicans have been trying to get people to work for no pay for a long time.
55. In America, anyone can become president. That’s the problem.
56. Once you leave the womb, conservatives don’t care about you until you reach military age. Then you’re just what they’re looking for. Conservatives want live babies so they can raise them to be dead soldiers.
57. “One thing leads to another”? Not always. Sometimes one thing leads to the same thing. Ask an addict.
58. No one who has had “Taps” played for them has ever been able to hear it.
59. Property is theft. Nobody “owns” anything. When you die, it all stays here.
60. The best thing about living at the water’s edge: You only have assholes on three sides of you, and if they come this way you can hear them splash.
61. The future will soon be a thing of the past.
62. The planet is fine. The people are fucked.
63. The real reason that we can’t have the Ten Commandments in a courthouse: You cannot post “Thou shalt not steal,” “Thou shalt not commit adultery,” and “Thou shalt not lie” in a building full of lawyers, judges, and politicians. It creates a hostile work environment.
64. Boxing is a more sophisticated form of hockey.
65. The only good thing ever to come out of religion was the music.
66. I think everyone should treat one another in a Christian manner. I will not, however, be responsible for the consequences.
67. Bowling is not a sport because you have to rent the shoes.
68. “When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops?” This title offends all three major religions, and even vegetarians!
69. Thou shalt keep thy religion to thyself.
70. And now, in the interest of equal time, here is a message from the National Institute of Pancakes: It reads, and I quote, “Fuck waffles.”
71. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
72. Whoever coined the term “Buyer Beware” was probably bleeding from the asshole.
73. Cloud nine gets all the publicity, but cloud eight actually is cheaper, less crowded, and has a better view.
74. Have you ever noticed that the lawyer always smiles more than the client?
75. I’m always relieved when someone is delivering a eulogy and I realize I’m listening to it.
76. Just think, right now as you read this, some guy somewhere is gettin’ ready to hang himself.
77. The reason they call it the American Dream is because you have to be asleep to believe it.
78. If all our national holidays were observed on Wednesdays, we could wind up with nine-day weekends.
79. “Meow” means “woof” in cat.
80. Most people with low self-esteem have earned it.
81. Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.
82. “No comment” is a comment.
83. If a man smiles all the time, he’s probably selling something that doesn’t work.
84. You can’t argue with a good blowjob.
85. Most of the time people feel okay. Probably it’s because at the moment they’re not actually dying.
86. So far, this is the oldest I’ve been.
87. Instead of warning pregnant women not to drink, I think female alcoholics ought to be told not to fuck.
88. Do you think Sammy Davis ate Junior Mints?
89. When you think about it, attention-deficit order makes a lot of sense. In this country there isn’t a lot worth paying attention to.
90. The Golden Gate Bridge should have a long bungee cord for people who aren’t quite ready to commit suicide but want to get in a little practice.
91. I think I am, therefore, I am. I think.
92. If the cops didn’t see it, I didn’t do it!
93. Hooray for most things!
94. Capitalism tries for a delicate balance: It attempts to work things out so that everyone gets just enough stuff to keep them from getting violent and trying to take other people’s stuff.
95. I don’t have a fear of heights. I do, however, have a fear of falling from heights.
96. What was the best thing before sliced bread?
97. May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.
98. Life is a zero sum game.
99. Somehow I enjoy watching people suffer.
100. I have as much authority as the Pope. I just don’t have as many people who believe it.
101. It isn’t fair: the caterpillar does all the work, and the butterfly gets all the glory.